


don't burn out on me

by LoveWithAGirl



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Family of Choice, Gen, Tattoos, female friendships are so important to me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 18:41:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17188313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveWithAGirl/pseuds/LoveWithAGirl
Summary: "I wanted to ask you something. If you'll do something for me." She takes a step closer and turns to face Jester, the door in her peripheral vision, and Yasha reminds herself that she is allowed to want things."Of course, Yasha. We're friends, if I can do something for you then I will!" Jester's voice is softer in the space between them but no less sincere, and Yasha cannot help but smile again before offering out her book."Will you tattoo these flowers on me? Like a bouquet?"





	don't burn out on me

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers through episode 46!
> 
> I like to imagine that Jester already gave Beau the tattoo of the eye like Molly had, so that's referenced in here.
> 
> Here's to two of my favorite girls, hurting and healing and helping each other.

Yasha has her own quarters on the boat. The rest of her friends are paired off, and the crew respectfully keeps to themselves, so when Yasha finally wakes up from the small amount of sleep she got there is nothing but silence in the room. There is a stiffness to her joints as she sits up, her body still feeling the fall from the mast a few hours ago, but she knows it would be much worse without Jester and Caduceus's healing. 

She did not dream of the Stormlord again, but of Zuella, of her wife's smile, her softness, and it is a bittersweet memory, although a little less raw after her talk with her friends earlier. She pulls her book out of her bag but does not open it, just holds it close as she stands and makes for the door.

Jester and Beau's room is just down the hall, and Yasha knocks quietly, aware that Jester might be asleep as well after how early they stayed up. There's a moment of silence, nothing but the distant sound of waves from above, but then Yasha hears feet scuffing wood and the door swings open, Jester smiling up at her from inside.

"Good morning Yasha! How are you feeling?" Her voice is bright, awake, but Yasha can see shadows under her eyes, frowns slightly and shifts her weight.

"I am better, thank you. Did you not sleep well?" She tries to make is gentle, but words always feel awkward these days; thankfully Jester just shrugs and keeps smiling, smoothing a hand down over her nightgown.

"Not really, but that's okay. It's been barely two hours anyway. Did you need anything? Do you want to come in?" She steps back as she asks, waving a hand in, and Yasha hesitates only for a moment before stepping in. The room is empty but for the two of them, Beau evidently still helming the ship above deck, and as Jester steps past her to sit on the bed Yasha feels like it's a little easier to breathe.

"I wanted to ask you something. If you'll do something for me." She takes a step closer and turns to face Jester, the door in her peripheral vision, and Yasha reminds herself that she is allowed to want things.

"Of course, Yasha. We're friends, if I can do something for you then I will!" Jester's voice is softer in the space between them but no less sincere, and Yasha cannot help but smile again before offering out her book.

"Will you tattoo these flowers on me? Like a bouquet?" Her voice comes out quieter than she means but she knows Jester hears, sees her tail go still on the bed and her eyes widen a little. Yasha holds the book out a little further after a moment and Jester immediately takes it, careful in a way that is not unnatural but merely unusual from her. She opens it carefully in her lap and slowly flips through the pages, looking at the different flowers as Yasha watches and waits.

"Um, i'm going to go ask Orly if I can borrow some colors, but I'd really love to do this, Yasha. Thank you for asking me." Her eyes are slightly damp when she looks back up, but a gentle smile is still on her face, and Yasha nods as Jester places the book next to her on the bed.

"Okay, I will wait. Thank you, Jester." She steps back as she says it, trying to give her friend space to stand and walk to the door, but when Jester gets up she darts closer and wraps her arms around Yasha's waist, a fleeting hug that leaves no chance of response before she's already at the door.

"Go ahead and get whatever area you want this on bare! I'll be right back!" Jester calls it out over her shoulder as she closes the door behind her, and the Yasha is left alone with a faint warmth behind her sternum. She looks down at the bed for a moment, the book open on a page with the flowers from Nott, but shakes herself slightly and gets to moving so she doesn't get sucked back into memories. By the time the door swings back open a few minutes later Yasha's hair is up in a pile on top of her head and her shirt is on the other bed, but Jester doesn't even blink at the sight of her sitting on the ground in her breastband.

"Okay, he gave me two more inks, and then he said to the any other colors it's like mixing paints, which I am very used to!" Jester puts the two jars down on the bed before grabbing the haversack to pull out three more and a needle and string contraption. "So you want this on your back?"

"Well, I was not sure how big it would be, so the nape of my neck and upper back, yes. Where my hair can cover it." Yasha watches over her shoulder as Jester pulls out her journal and flips open a page, tongue between her teeth as she starts to sketch. The sound of pencil scratching paper is soothing, rhythmic, and Yasha finds herself relaxing in this room, just her and Jester breathing softly and co-existing.

It feels like being with Molly again, but after this morning's early discussion of him and Zuella still being with her Yasha finds comfort in the feeling.

"Here, how does this look?" Yasha is not sure how much time has passed before Jester is facing the sketchbook towards her, but she feels no rush of anxiety at that realization, no urge to be watching out for the next sign in this moment. The bouquet is small and simple but beautiful, and Yasha doesn't know the names of most of the flowers but she can still pick out each one, remembers where she got them, and she can feel a smile pulling across her face as she looks up to Jester's face.

"It's perfect. Exactly what I want." Jester smiles back down at her, wide and bright, and sets the journal open next to Yasha's book.

"Okay, then i'll go ahead and get started. I'm not sure how long it's going to take, and I know you know this but it is gonna hurt. But! Since i'm a cleric, i'll be able to heal you afterwards, which I bet none of yours or Molly's tattoo artists were ever able to do, huh? Pretty cool, right?" She's still smiling, winks and raises her eyebrows at Yasha, and Yasha is surprised at the small laugh she finds leaving her mouth.

"Yeah, that's pretty cool. Thank you, Jester." She offers a small smile at her friend, but Jester just waves her hand and shifts closer to the edge of the bed, bracing her feet on the floor on either side of Yasha.

"Don't mention it. Now hold still, and tell me if you need to move." She leans forward and gently touches the back of Yasha's neck, fingers cool against her skin, and Yasha turns her head forward, takes slow breaths and closes her eyes at the first little pain from the needle. She feels a tail wrapping around her upper arm, and it is both achingly familiar and a little strange, but she just carefully reaches up to gently touch it once before relaxing into the tattooing process.

Soon the room is full of the tapping sound of Jester's claw against the needle, and Yasha loves it, pain blooming slow and bright, brief pauses as her friend switches inks that just cause a radiating ache through her shoulders and up into the base of her skull.

"Why did you ask me and not Orly? You wouldn't have had to explain anything to him." Jester's voice is soft as she starts moving the needle down towards Yasha's back, and time has no meaning again, Yasha unsure of how quick Jester is at this art, if it's been minutes or hours, but she keeps breathing slowly and lets the truth settle on her tongue for a moment before answering.

"You are my friend, and you know what it means. And I saw Beau's tattoo. It is very good. Molly would have liked it." She doesn't look behind her, even as Jester pulls away to presumably clean the needle and change inks, but she can imagine the smile on her friend's face. She lets the silence sit again, but this time it doesn't last as long before Jester's hushed voice breaks through the haze starting to settle in Yasha's mind.

"What's being in love like?" Her voice is even quieter, Yasha barely able to hear it over the rhythmic tapping, but the words still strike a chord in her that has memories all rushing to the forefront of her mind.

This, this is the easiest question anyone has asked her since Molly.

"It's warm. Warmth in your chest, in your heart, whenever you look at them, whenever they smile at you. It's always wanting to smile, to talk to them, to share everything you have. It's being happy with them, for them, and being sad when they're sad. It's someone to live for, even when the world around you seems dark." It spills out quickly, easily, a truth that Yasha holds close to her heart, that she has only shared with Mollymauk before. The cool tail wrapped around her arm tightens briefly before relaxing again, and Yasha hums softly. "Are you in love, Jester?"

"I don't know. I thought I might have been, but it doesn't feel like that. I'm not sure if it ever did." Her voice is still small, but she doesn't falter with the tattooing, and Yasha trusts her steady hands.

"What does it feel like?" She knows she could let it just falter between them, filter out like lightning, but Jester had listened to her this morning; it's only fair that Yasha tries to do the same.

"Before it felt like everything all at once, and then it felt kind of funny, and now it just feels bad." She sighs softly as she says it, sounding tired and sad and everything Yasha wants Jester to never have to feel, pulls away again for a moment before gently touching Yasha's shoulder. "Almost done, I think." The pain starts again and Yasha hums, does not move as she chews over her next words carefully.

"Molly told me that there's a whole world out there, full of people to fall in love with. Sometimes your first love is your only love, like how it feels for me about Zuella, and that's okay. But he said most of the time there are so many other people ready to love you and be loved by you." She says it gently but makes sure Jester can hear her; there's a faint catch of breath behind her but no other response, and this time Yasha lets the silence sit, lets the tapping of her claw against the needle take up the space around them again. She closes her eyes after a while and keeps breathing through the pain, through the memories washing over her, through the flowers she is growing on her skin.

Time passes. Yasha breathes. Jester does not let go of Yasha's arm with her tail.

"I think it's almost done? Well, the bouquet is done, but it doesn't feel finished. Can I-can I add something else? Something small, I swear, but can I? Do you trust me?" Jester's voice is soft, and her tail is cool around Yasha's arm and her fingers are soft between her shoulder blades. Yasha thinks briefly of another tiefling who used to touch her just as intimately and does not need to search farther for an answer.

"Yes." She doesn't open her eyes, sees Molly smile behind them as Jester's tail squeezes her arm, and after a moment the pain starts up again, sharp and delicate on her spine. The tapping of claw and needle doesn't last as long this time, and then Jester finally withdraws, tail pulling away as there's several pops and cracks of bone behind Yasha as the other woman must be straightening up.

"Okay, I've got a couple of mirrors in the haversack. Want to look before I heal it?" There's more rustling behind her, and Yasha finally opens her eyes, stares down at her hands in her lap, muted skin and clothing colors unlike what she has been seeing in her mind. "Yasha?"

"Yes, please." She raises one of her hands and holds it behind her, feels something cool placed in it and brings it in front of her face to see a small circular hand mirror; she angles it to see Jester's reflection instead of her own and is struck sharply by the rawness in her friend's expression. It's there for a second and then gone, hidden by the other mirror Jester holds up to show Yasha the reflection of her back and neck, of the tattoo, and it's-

-small and delicate and lined carefully, colors standing out against her reddened skin, every flower Yasha has collected in her book, it's-

-a small ribbon keeping the bouquet together, a knot that can never be undone, ink mixed perfectly and pressed deep beneath her skin, it's-

-down the back of her neck and the top of her spine, neat and simple and not perfectly arranged, flowers that Yasha does not have the name for, it's-

-a clover just at the base of the bouquet, lucky and small and the first present Yasha had ever been given in her new life, the start of her collection for her wife, her best friend who knew everything and never judged her, it's-

"Perfect, Jester. Thank you." Her voice is thick with emotion, her eyes stinging faintly, but Yasha cannot look away. There's a little bit of blood smeared by the flowers that Jester must have missed when wiping away the excess ink, and Yasha's heart aches all the more for it, this permanent part of her injected into blood and skin. "I love it. All of it."

"Good, I'm so glad!" There's relief palpable in the other woman's voice, and then cool fingers are touching her shoulder and warm magic is working its way under her skin. Yasha watches as her skin around the tattoo pales back to its normal color, the flowers seeming to settle into her, and she breathes a little easier as the pain settles into a dull ache. "Better?"

"Yes, thank you." She looks for one more moment before offering the mirror back over her shoulder, and Jester's fingers brush against her own as she takes it. The air around her feels warm, and when Yasha blinks she sees two smiling faces behind her eyes. 

"Do you want anything else? Or should we go up top? I'm not sure how long it's been." Jester's voice is soft and her tail brushes against Yasha's shoulder as she talks, and Yasha wants to stay in this room with her, feels words bubbling up in her chest, stories about Zuella and Mollymauk that she suddenly wants to share, to give something back in return for what her friend has done for her.

"I do want something else, but that can wait for another time. We should go up on deck. I think we should be getting to whatever temple Fjord is looking for today." She also knows better than to be selfish, to take up too much of someone's time, and so she reaches for her shirt and pushes herself up to stand, pulls it on carefully and takes her hair down as she turns to look at the other woman, and Jester-

Jester looks like she's struggling not to cry as she stares down at her lap, hands curled in the skirt of her nightgown and fangs digging into her lip. Yasha drops to her knees immediately, reaches out to take her friend's hands and ducks her head enough to meet her gaze.

"Jester? What is it? What can I do? What do you need?" The tiefling sucks in a shaky breath as Yasha lets panicked words spill out, and for a second Yasha thinks she's going to get an answer, but then Jester to shakes her head and lets out a hollow laugh, squeezes Yasha's hands gently before pulling them away to wipe at her eyes.

"It's nothing, I'm sorry." She sounds dismissive about it, genuinely apologetic for her tears and trying to skirt around her issues, and Yasha feels a cold and quiet rage in the back of her mind at the idea that this has been built by other people.

"It's not nothing, Jester. You're not nothing." She says it firmly but Jester laughs again, that hollow sound that rings cold, and drops her hands back into her lap. 

"It's nothing we have time for right now, then." She pushes Yasha's shoulders gently as she says it, eyes damp but a smile growing on her face, the pain in the lines of her face being glossed over, and so Yasha lets herself be moved, stands up and back as Jester steps around her towards her dress hanging over the only chair in the room.

"Will you tell me another time, then? After this is all done?" She watches Jester's back as she asks it, watches the ways her shoulders hitch slightly before she spins around, smile sad but genuine, now.

"Yes, I would really like that, Yasha. I will give you what ever other tattoo you want, and I will talk about what's hurting me, and if you want you can talk about Zuella or Molly, too. I think...I think I really need that." She lets the words fall into the air between them, this small blue girl who is stronger than Yasha, and Yasha's ghosts catch them and press them into the tattoo under her hair; her ghosts are as alive as the two of them, but that is not a bad thing.

"I think I need that, too." Yasha nods and offers a small smile to Jester before stepping over to the bed and picking up her book, carefully closing it around the clover and then walking over to the door. "I will go put this away and let you get dressed."

"Okay. I'll see you up there." She waves at Yasha, smile blooming across her face like the flowers she put into Yasha's skin, and Yasha cannot help but wave back.

"Thank you, Jester. For everything." There's a soft understanding that washes over Jester's face, and she nods at Yasha, taps a claw to her chest in a way that Molly used to as well, to show that what is said is taken to heart, and Yasha nods back and finally leaves.

There is no one in the hallway as she makes her way back down to her room, and she carefully puts her book in her pouch before grabbing her sword and slinging it over her back. It rests directly over her tattoo, and Yasha breathes a little easier for it, for the extra protection to her exposed heart. She says a brief prayer of thanks to the Stormlord before heading up to the deck, stopping at the top of the stairs and blinking in the sunlight as her vision adjusts. Footsteps come up the stairs behind her as she squints out over the ocean, and there's a ghost of warmth at her side before a cool hand brushes her elbow.

"The ship isn't really moving. Are we here?" Jester's smiling when Yasha looks down at her, dimples in her round cheeks and freckles lit up by the sun across her nose; Yasha can see the turmoil caused by that question in her eyes, and she subtly reaches for her friend's hand, clasps it briefly and squeezes once before letting go.

"I don't know, but if we are, we'll go together." It's a promise, one she has made twice before, and the relief in the other girl's eyes is palpable as she nods up at Yasha.

"Then let's go find out." Jester's voice is strong, and Yasha steps forward with her, steady at her side as the boat shifts and they walk towards where their friends have gathered, heads bent around a map.

Pain and flowers bloom on Yasha's neck, bright and beautiful; death and life, together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this!! Please leave a comment and let me know what you think!
> 
> Title is from "Burn Out" by Imagine Dragons, which has been killing me with Yasha and Jester feels. "Icarus" by Bastille and "My Friends" by Oh Wonder were also on repeat while I was writing this.
> 
> Special thank you to erebones, shaypotter, and nevershootamockingbird for motivating me to finish this! Go read their amazing works!
> 
> If you'd like to, you can come find me and talk to me on [tumblr](https://lovewithagirl.tumblr.com/) and [twitter!](https://twitter.com/daleytwin2/)


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